Week 2 Matchup Previews

Spring Branch Vatos vs. Juggernauts

I like the Juggernauts’ strategy a lot. The throw-anyone-with-a-pulse-at-the-league’s-worst-performing-defense plan will serve them well, but the Vatos, man (it helps if you say it using a Cheech accent) will be returning Romo and the Philly special teams unit to squeak out a 98-94 victory. Winner of this matchup writes up the previews for next week. Buy stock in the company that makes Pepcid NOW!!!
Btw, for anyone that wants to know what the hell I was thinking last week – I really thought the Tampa Bay defense was better than that. Didn’t they used to be? Anyhow, won’t be making that mistake again. Chad Pennington’s available to anyone with roster space.

Too Damn Lousy vs. My Vick In A Box

The matchups this week favor Vick, who happens to own the defense-designated-by-the-league-to-pile-up-on-the-Rams-this-week. Even after TDL activates his mystery tight end (psst, everyone, it’s Todd Heap), Vick should win early and often. Heap, AP and Matt Ryan won’t be enough for TDL to avoid an 114-89 trouncing. See, if you awarded more points per yard for returns, you could go fill up your W/R spots with kick returners. But that’s another topic for another year.

Wildcats vs. Carjacker

You know, I was leaning towards Carjacker in this matchup, until I looked at the defensive matchups. Tennessee might be the Wildcats’ high scoring, er, player against the flaccid Texans offense. Carjacker’s backs and receivers for the most part enjoy favorable matchups, but the defensive mismatch plus the general yuckiness of the Carjackers’ quarterback situation makes the Wildcats a 106-97 winner.

Tackle Me Elmo vs. Horn Supremacy

I’d really like to be able to pick Horn Supremacy. I’d like to pick them every week until the actual Longhorns lose an actual game. Maybe Braylon Edwards, Willie Parker and the Dallas defense aren’t all as bad as they appeared to be last week…but look for Darren Sproles and Chris Johnson to lead Elmo to a 111-95 victory.

If anyone would be willing to rename their team to Cougar Supremacy, I’m all over it.

House of Pain vs. Jacko’s Petting Zoo
Brady’s back!!!...and John Carlson is looking like a formidable tight end option. Unfortunately for the House, receiver play will be the key to this matchup. Look for Darrin Jackson and MJD (really sounds like a beer, doesn’t it?) to carry Jacko to a 119-109 win. Moral victory for the House if Josh Brown scores points.

Injured Reserve vs. Pure Misery
You can bring the smack all day long if you can back it up on the scoreboard, and since Misery seems to like writing the wrap-ups so much, he’ll get to do it again next week. Receiver play will be the key to this matchup as well, as Reggie Wayne and Santorio Holmes run up the score against IR to the tune of 120-90.